Maura made an appointment because her son's temper tantrums were driving her mad. Convinced, as she had been all along, that Eric's very purpose in her life had been to injure her, she was not responding well to his fits.

"I either whack him when he starts up, and then feel horrible about it and cuddle him in my arms, or I give in, just to get him to shut up," she confided, ashamedly. "I know neither one is right, I just can't get myself to do anything different."

In getting some history of her pregnancy and early parenthood, I learned how diligently Maura had gone about assuming and ensuring that Eric and she were at odds, from her interpretation of her pregnancy symptoms, to her creation of his in utero pet name, to how she chose to understand everything, from his erratic napping to his "late" smiles to his lack of physical coordination, as early symbols of his hostility towards her.

I also learned something else-Maura had had an abortion as a teenager after accidentally getting pregnant with her boyfriend. This was something that she had not even shared with her husband. The only ones who had known were her parents, who had carried it to the grave with them. "I told no one, and I tell no one. You're the first person I've ever told, aside from my mom and dad, and they had to know, because they arranged the abortion, and were with me when I had it. I didn't even tell my boyfriend-I just broke up with him without any explanation."

As I gently explored this issue, it was impossible for me to miss the great grief and regret that she still felt about something that had occurred literally half a lifetime ago.

Because there had been such shame and secrecy, she had never had the chance to heal this wound and move on. No wonder Eric had been nicknamed "The Spy" years before: it was as if she believed that by occupying the home of his predecessor, he was the only one who would discover the secrets of her dark past.

Instead, her abortion had become a barrier not only between her and her husband, as long-kept secrets often become within a marriage, but also between her and her son. As we spoke, she acknowledged feeling unentitled to bear the baby whose sibling she had both provided, and deprived of, life during a reckless few weeks in adolescence.

"I have to say that I've carried the guilt of that abortion around forever. And I feel so bad that it's as if I don't deserve Eric, that I don't deserve to feel like a good mom when I was such a terrible mom years ago."

"Looking back, do you think it would have been realistic to keep that baby as a seventeen-year-old?" I asked.

She paused, and then answered. "No-it would've been a disaster. My parents were older parents, they weren't prepared to take on a baby, I could've put it up for adoption, I suppose, but I think I'd be feeling the same way, now. And of course I was in no position to be a good mother at the age of seventeen....I just can't get past the fact that there was life inside of me and I destroyed it."

I shared with Maura my belief that perhaps her need to expiate the guilt of her abortion was accounting for her becoming entrenched in seeing her son as her victimizer.

"A lot of what you've been talking about when it comes to Eric is pretty normal stuff, from pregnancy, to infancy, to toddlerhood-but my belief when it comes to childrearing is: 'What you see is what you will get.' If all you see is aggression and hostility, that's how Eric will come to see himself, and that's what you'll get from him."

"You mean I'm making him into the way he is?" she asked, worriedly.

"To some extent, yes. I suspect he'd be going through a tantrum stage right now anyway, no matter what you had thought or done during pregnancy and infancy. But some of the ways in which you respond to him seem to make things more problematic than they need to be."

I recommended that Maura start making some changes by grieving for the baby who had never been born. To facilitate this process, I had her write a letter to the baby, and to express to him or her the deep sorrow she felt about having "created and destroyed" him/her. I also asked her to revisit the neighborhood where she and her boyfriend had conceived the baby, which was less than an hour from where she was living, and to plant a small flower somewhere nearby "in memoriam".

Maura completed both tasks, and over the next couple of meetings appeared ready to finally unburden herself from the terrible secret that had so troubled her all these years, eventually deciding to talk it over with her husband. Having done so, she was now ready to re-view her relationship with Eric. We discussed some more productive ways to handle his tantrums, such as firmly placing him in time-out and refraining from yelling at, giving into, or hitting him, and within a short time she was pleased to report that she had been enjoying him as never before.

"He really gets it when I set a limit, now, and his tantrums last half as long and occur half as often as they used to. But more importantly, I'm able to see the good in him, something that I wasn't able to do before. The other night he came running up from behind and grabbed me as I was taking some eggs out of the refrigerator, and I dropped them.

"I think before I would've yelled at him, and then felt terrible. This time, though, I caught myself, and realized that he was actually trying to give me a hug. I grabbed a towel and said, 'Let's get to work' and we cleaned it all up together. It was such a great feeling to be a different kind of mom."

No longer having to participate in a punishing drama, Eric was free to be seen, and treated, as a growing boy who needed some instruction in how to handle his mental and physical energies, rather than as a dangerous spy who had been assigned to exact payment from her for a regrettable decision from her past.

More>>>